dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize