don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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