So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
