the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
