I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
