The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
