I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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