Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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