I am midnight drunk by noon
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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