why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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