why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
