You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I haven't been this sober since birth.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
