i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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