I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
