smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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