I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
