Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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