just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
