ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
