At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
