Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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