My liver just broke up with me...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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