And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
