he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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