Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
