How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
