How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Soap is not a condiment
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
