Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
