Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Randomize
