I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
