Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
