I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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