..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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