Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
