ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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