We won't sleep together?
I could make wine with my vomit
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
