I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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