Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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