I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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