glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
