Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
