She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
