he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dick has a subreddit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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