you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
