It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My feet surprised me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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