I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
