I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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