clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We left an ass print on the piano.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
