Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
