I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
