She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
