hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
