I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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