I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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